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Darkplates 2.0

Checkmate, lawyers.
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Cutting Corners...

Our Loss Is Your Gain.

Imagine this: you're a ¥15,000,000,000,000 enterprise who just spent a small fortune designing their next-generation gaming console. A privately held corporation run by robots makes it black. The world rejoices. You're livid. You vent your frustrations to a team of lawyers. They get to work. Now, under threat of litigation, those robots have to redesign their Darkplates... while also funding a legal defense. Needless to say, some corners were cut. You're welcome.

Adding Vents...

Give Those Fans Some Air.

Time for a physics quiz. Do you think oxygen can pass through a 3mm panel of uninterrupted plastic? If you answered "no," congratulations: you're qualified to be our next (and only) Fan Scientist. It's a dangerous line of work, but you'll also get to tell us things like "you should add some vents to the Darkplates" moments before a horrific industrial accident. Fair trade.

Improving Thermals...

Looks Cool, Runs Cooler.

In the time it took you to read the last paragraph, we found a Fan Scientist. Somewhere between doing a lot of math and walking head-first into an oversized fan blade, he told us that your console will run cooler because of the vents we added. We extend heartfelt thanks to the Fan Scientist, and condolences to his family. If they'd like to sue us for his wrongful death, they'll have to get in line.

Avoiding Lawsuit...

Thanks, Sony.

Do you have any idea how many lawyers we had to go through to find some that were willing to take on the Darkplates case? We'll give you a hint: the answer lies at the bottom of Lake Ontario. Turns out, our new lawyers can handle either the murder charges or the Darkplates file... but not both. We may be in a maximum security prison by the end of the year, but at least your PlayStation 5 will have an indisputably original design.

Colonizing Mars...

We proudly boasted that the Darkplates 1.0 packaging was the "pinnacle of box science." What do you do when you've already reached the summit? The answer is obvious: go even higher. Today, we're proud to announce that we've sent our Box Scientists to Mars. It's going to take a while to replace those who perished on the one-way journey, but the results speak for themselves.


The PlayStation 5 was released in the midst of a global pandemic, supply chain chaos and widespread political unrest. What do all of these events have in common? That's right: the 21st century. Didn't Sony get the memo? They should have released the PS5 in the 1990s, during the golden age of video games. Since they didn't, we had no choice but to invent time travel on their behalf. As it turns out, the secret ingredient is enough see-through plastic to beach a whale.

Finishing Touches…

Darkplates, meet Lightstrips.

If you've made it this far down the page without buying anything, you're probably a lawyer. Good news for us, bad news for you: there (probably) aren't any newly-approved patents on custom LED lightstrips, middle skins, or all-new Darkplates 2.0 colorways. Serve us another C&D if we're wrong.