Face it: magnets are everything you aren't. They're attractive, they're useful, and they're inside our Pixel 9 Pro XL case. Once we've figured out how to mold a person into a phone case, you'll finally be 1/3rd as good as magnets. Until then, you can fund our research.

Google spent a tremendous sum of money making the click on your Pixel 9 Pro XL buttons feel immaculate. We spent far less, yet somehow managed to make them feel even better. Impossible, you say? Our button scientists disagree.

What do you get when a masonic megacorp, renowned for their robotic precision, designs a phone case? You're looking at it. If we told you the Grip fits like a glove, we'd be giving gloves too much credit.

Every year, the US Military burns through $700,000,000,000. On what? Nobody knows. For only 0.0000000057% of the annual defense budget, you can do the same. But for your phone.

Checkmate, Eisenhower.

At just 2mm thin, the Grip Case is roughly twenty times thicker than a human hair. It’s also one three-thousandth as thick as a Giraffe is tall. Much like the mighty giraffe, the Grip Case subsists on a diet made up almost entirely of your smartphone.

See those microscopic ridges? Each is a textured dot, invisible to the naked eye. There are literally thousands of them spanning the surface of the Grip, creating a tremendous number of grippy contact points for your butterfingers. The result? You’ll never drop your phone again.

Three years ago, a group of world-famous grip scientists approached us with a novel concept: take the world’s grippiest phone case™, then add liquid-black grip strips to the sides of the Grip. They should have learned how to file a patent.

The Grip lets you put your phone down on a table without thinking about the camera bump. There's no amusing way to communicate this. If you come up with one, email us. We promise to steal it and give you zero credit.

A chamfered edge along the case's front lip gives you full access to the top and bottom of your screen, for all your gesture navigation needs. As an added bonus, you get to learn what "chamfered" means.

How many times have you tried swiping the edge of your screen, only to find that the lip of your garbage phone case was in the way? Far too many. Our solution is simple: just lower the sides. It's called innovation.

Fun fact: each of our Pixel cases has passed a series of meticulous and exacting compatibility tests, administered by Google. The best part? We didn't even need to cheat. If Google's vote of confidence isn't enough to convince you, we don't know what is.

We've spent more money than the Fed trying to save humans from themselves. The result? Detailed, award-winning tutorial videos that you can watch right here. Once you're finished, you'll understand why we gave ourselves a fake award.